My Daddy always tell me I'm the best. Still, I have problems with thinking of myself as a good subbie. Or not subbie, a slave. Why do I have these stabs of selfdoubts? I'll let you in on my secret: Because I can feel myself slipping sometimes....
I know...it's nothing that I'm proud of. It's like being fat and binging on candy just to make yourself throw up after when the guilt sets in. It's like - if Daddy's not here, or like lately when he's had a lot on his mind I end up getting myself into situations that compromises my submission and my dedication. And i know I don't want that. I have craved for so long for someone to see me as I really am, and now when I do I don't want to mess up. And yet still I do. So = crap slave.
This is why when Daddy's not around I tend to linger around the house waiting for him. Thinking about him. Masturbating while i think of him. Then I can't get into too much trouble.
But then when I have masturbated myself raw - I get bored. That's when trouble starts.
I love thinking it's other people putting ideas into my head so that i cannot be responsible, but I have to be honest - it's all my doing.
I get ideas from books. This is why Daddy has forbid me to read the books in our library. Here you see what happens when little girls reads books - they get spanked. This happens to all little girls everywhere doesn't it? No?? Wow, that's just sooo wrong! Girls are NOT supposed to read their Daddy's books. Not even touch them. Girls are for pleasure - everyone knows THAT.
So most of the time i just sit and well...get really filthy in front of the bookshelf. I know that would please my Daddy.
Playing with myself in Daddy's library makes me feel I'm in touch with what I am supposed to be: a toy who leaves the thinking to Daddy and the displaying of my pussy to me.
I like playing with my nipples and my pussy. It makes me cum hard. For Daddy. Noone else. Just Daddy. My Owner.
But sometimes - i sneak a look in Daddy's books. I know I'm not allowed so = bad slave. It get's me into trouble every time. Daddy told me only last week he was tightening the ropes. Adding some new rules to our house. And that he was taking all my privilges away, that I no longer have any will of my own, no say in anything. That's scary.
Daddy explained that I am no longer a person - just a creature who I excists for his pleasure only. And a zero can't read can it?
Daddy told me I will no longer be allowed out of bed in the morning before I've pleasured him. And i will not be allowed to close my eyes at night before i have pleasured him. That Iwould ache to please him in every way. That I would want nothing more than to put a smile on his handsome face every day. And if i ever loose my temper he will beat me to an inch of my life. I need to think about that. because i have a bad temper = crap slave.
I'm not docile enough. Maybe because I'm not beaten down but Daddy says a slave must not be beaten down. If I was too docile I would bore him. I don't know how to be. But sitting in my cell thinking about it helps.
